Exorcism

EXORCISM
nice word naa. actually it originates from Greek rituals , it refers to the act of calling spirits, most of the times evil ones.
i wont lie to you,though i don't believe in god...(sorry Hanuman ji, u r exception dude, don't mind)i used to have fear of ghosts(logically i shouldn't believe in ghosts too), dark rooms and all. I couldn't stop myself from imagining a person, in a normal white shirt hung on hanger, if got swayed by wind on a dark night. please ignore sentence formation, writing after a long time so not in groove. was busy with GATE n all. performed lot below par though :( , will discuss it later, in dis post or not at all. so i was like ,if i had to go to toilet in night wid everybody asleep, i would whistle and say to myself ," naa bhoot woot kuch nhi hota". and soon as i was over with it, i would run to bed widout luking back. freak??? no i was normal u idiot(if only u thought me dat way, else u r awsm). ;) its just that i used to be a die hard fan of AAHAT, ANHONEE, X-ZONE...
shit i was thinking to post my facebook update as back on blogger, but i know publicising all this crap will make me thnk about d reaction of others, though i know only my frnd visit it dat too wen dey r pissed of rest of d thngs in lyf. crap EXORCISM was d title.
yeah so it refers to calling spirits in plain words. today i want to talk to myself in a very candid manner. i will talk to my spirit, rather try. scary. nope, it may be fun. i think i need to talk to myself . everybody needs at some point of their lyf. i too...do you remember i talked to myself at 80 in one post...this may also be fun...

Note: note hmm wat to writ...i was thinking to write its just fun dont take it take too deep...but i dont know even wat it will turn out, a funny one, spiritual one, frustrating one, or an unpublished post saved in draft like many.

Oye pp tum jahan bhi ho is kamare me aao...
aura of candles around d laptop(table lamp ;) )
if u have reached the table flicker the lamp...

PP: Fuck u, m not a ghost, m inside u...
me: okay, whatever lets chat...
PP: spit...
me: dear , how are you.
PP: Hmmm okay type, not very cheerful...like a normal person though.
me: How was ur GATE exam
PP: Not well, i had done 40 marks already then i wasn't able to sole an easy question n i...
me: Got it , u got nervous n all...u suck then, u preach fearlessness and big ideas, u cant control urself.
PP: hey don't get personal, yeah i regret it but i would admit i didn't prepare well and so i wasn't confident and it all adds to your self control.
me: you know 40 marks wud have easily got u a good rank, seeing the trend now...leave it, lets talk different things.
PP: yeah i promise u dear i will try my level best, its not the end, let people say wat they say...
me: dont get emotional u hav said dat hell lot of times...i would advice dont say try n all those shhit words, do it or not...whatever do it with your heart plz dear...kabil ban safalta jhak maar ke peeche aaegi...its true
PP: its 2:30 am , can we talk better things...
me: okay whats, imp for u...

PP has gone offline....
you can send him msg though...

PP is online....

me: what happened...gone for pee...
PP: no i was thinking about your question, actually i dont know. wen i was a child d most imp thing used to be cricket, whether i'll be able to bowl well or not, and then as i grew,parents made the board exams imp. n i did well , topper, dunno how??? and then the society made IITs important, free advisers made coaching important. and after that in college, friends(dont regret nythng abt friends, they are my life)made girls imp...hehe yeah it happened. n now i dont know anything...
me: no, u know...think
PP: wat???
me:what's imp now
PP: me i think its me, who's imp...
me: yup...its you,why didn't you mention father or mother anywhere...
PP: coz fucker they are a part of me n i dont see dem separately.okay. if i didnt care abt them why would i be so burdened by their expectations, why would i...
me: STOP , u r irritating , r u trying to prove u r a good son... :)
take a sip of water....
PP: okay... :)
me: yeah so what makes you happy...
PP: everything...
me: go out n eat the grass n smile..dat too will make u happy...
PP: yeah u come along but...
me: do you think u are a poet
PP: no
me: den engineer???
PP: in process, i know u must be thinking i am no good for engineering..but i'll prove you wrong dear...den i'll prove you wrong again, i'll be a poet too. n den i'll shock u fucker, i'll be a photographer...
me: hahahaha gr8 sense of humour...
PP: astonishingly rude
me: hahaha jack of all trades master of none, isn't it...hahaha
PP: no shut the fuck up...everything will have time...
me: okay i want to tell you dear...
listen i m u, n u r me...we r nothing different, smtyms its negative , smtyms positive...i want to tell you doesn't matter what you have done till now..i love you..i really do.I just have called you to tell you be cheerful. dont repeat the GATE episode again. prepared or not prepared , go out as a lion. dear u have got a life. u never used to study and u did well coz u had nothing to lose. dont expect too much from yourself try n be done with it. n m telling you why i love u even more , coz u never think bad abt anything or anybody. i know u know everything same friends who boast of every help find consolation in your sorrow. but its human nature. n u dont mind. no matter whats going inside you u can easily forget eveything talking to a puppy roadside. abe chutiye isime maze hain yaar. itna nahhi sochte. maze kar...try again...but find joy in evrything you chose to do coz all that matters in the end is the road...manzilen to chalawa thi mazzaa to raasto me aaya...
PP: theek hai yaar, but sometimes i feel i m no more like old pp...
me: dont bring in the third character, old pp...i know wat u go thru...oye its just concentration. tu sochta hai 10 din me 15 ghnte padh k sab khatam kar dunga..aisa nhi hota...
PP: ama hatao...neend aa rhi hai...i m entering inside you, n i'll try not to be negative anymore...
me: and one more thing,u got one lyf...live it ur way...bt jeans dho lena it stinks now....
PP: anything more...
me: haan, today was valentine's day n u went for adult movie in priya with frnds..tu itna tharki hai saale....
PP: nope, just for fun...whatever its there its till the cinema hall...life me isse bhi imp chheze hoti hain...
me: jaise ki love...hahaha karega...fir se...
PP: yeah but lemme be worth for it first...isse bhi imp cheeze hoti hain...
me: aur kya bhai...
PP: RESPONSIBILTY
me: haha spiderman ka asar...wid gr8 power comes gr8 responsibilty...
PP: whatever this word is powerful.
me: to aa jaa bhai bakchodi kar rha hai ab...hakuna matata...let's be carefree and responsible at d same tym...no more...

....disconnected


EXORCISM

hi

Hi I am writing again after a long time…not because I was out of thoughts but coz I was messed up by hell lot of thoughts. And every thought was a contradiction of last one. may be I wanted a better start since I am writing after a long time. But no…this time I am not writing to prove anything. I am just writing because writing eases me. Past few months I was using facebook to vent my thoughts or fucking philosophies, but now I think blogger is a better mean. Though the best is to write in a diary but I have left that at home…okkkkk….irritating…i know this post is sounding irritating but its easing for myself. I am telling you this post will not conclude with any meaningful thought so if u r a busy person plz say a good bye…..
Aaah wat to tell..there are few things which I really want to share wid somebody but doing that will aggravate d prblm, so I think its better to bury them and move on. But still since I am here after a long time I will share few things so that I can use them as bookmark when I want to look back into my life in later part of my life. Honestly speaking I want to write lot but I don’t want to be called a fucking philosopher or in plain words bakchod. I know I am here for engineering and not to observe inanimate things and finding emotions in them. But I cant help its natural for me I think. And about engineering I don’t say I don’t like it , actually it was always my dream to be a good engineer, but I never knew there is a new trend of engineer cum diplomat cum bureaucrat cum presenter cum dude cum…and don’t know how many things. Honestly speaking I don’t want to study to get good marks so that I can get a good job in mnc no matter what things I have to do, not at all concerned with the things I studied for four years . if I study I want that to be relevant in later part of my life. And I know I am just dreaming , talking ideal things. I know you must be thinking to just slap me and say be practical….but…you know I know everything…I suppose….yet I do the things which I shouldn’t do.
That’s it…….that was frustrating parag…  now I think I am normal…. Actually I too advice everybody about lot of things but when it comes to myself I am lost. I make presentations of mechanical branches take interest in c programs, search circuit diagrams on google to repair my subwoofers…do the practicals with intent…..yet I am not engineer coz when it comes to lapace integration differentiation mathematical treatment of theories I suck. I know d mathematical treatment is d only tool to prove validity of these theories after practicals. But …………..may be I just don’t want to make effort…may be after completing btech I may realize btech was my cup of tea I never tasted coz of d fear of it being salty…I don’t know…….
One more thing you might be thinking I am frustrated most of d tyms..but it aint true . actually I write only when I am in mess…when I am happy..most of d times…coz I don’t need big reasons for a silly smile…even a 5 rs ice candy can do for me…I don’t write when I am normal…
Now I am telling you the reason for these fucking thoughts. Yesterday I met a junior…a fresher… I had met him in lucknow through my friend cp earlier. He was having problem in adjusting in a hostel he had allotted. He wanted to leave that. He had already deposited 10k rs there . and the owner wasn’t returning the amount and rightly so coz he had a bond signed by his father that with some fucking terms and conditions. He was willing to live in my hostel forbidding that amount. I am not too much in profit loss things but living outside home for 3yrs I have realized money may not be motivation for you but its obviously a necessity and 10k is not a penny. So I asked him his problems in that hostel. He said loneliness , boys abuse , smoke. He was having problem in adjusting with them and was apprehensive dat his 10 or 15 days may get wasted….fuck. just a one word I thought about him…nautanki…I talked to his father too to explain him that his problems weren’t real. But he too wasn’t willing to understand coz …..i don’t want to explain nything now….just that… in the end I was able to make both of them understand rather three of them I talked to his mother too. But in consoling them I had to take d responsibility of his studies  as if I am a topper. But I can explain you anything just gimme the book…okkkk but the worst thing wasn’t this. In explaining the boy..i said few rather many ideal things…which when I later thought and..i was like…phir se jhantu philosophies…I said many things like…for 18 years ur father was lukin aftr u..it was his duty to make you happy..now its over dear nw the things have to be reciprocated…now u have to do the things to make them happy. If u will tell home about ur problems they will just get tensed without any solution…try to adjust…try to do things ur own way. And later I was like shittttttttttttt….though I take my decisions by myself don’t blame others for nything…but honestly I don’t think much about home…otherwise I wud have studied…and many more things…I don’t want to repeat them I am again getting dat mood..i wanted to share many things…but I think its enough for a sound sleep for several days. I have dumped lot of fucking thoughts though the text may show little there was lot in my mind which has nw been vented. U have to read between the lines……………………………………
Bye
It was mess…I confess…….

Train or Rain........dunno....

Hi after long time I am again writin a post. Actually I had written a few in between bt didn’t post them.
One was about love but I deleted that post as it was a bit early for me…that post was about the experiences of my friends of love, not mine…I’ll post a new one if I get into such stuff…though it doesn’t seem so in near future….m not willing to fall in lov…i hav to first get control of myself then I can think about luv…I’ll not extend it further coz m thinking I am nt being honest here……… waise it doesn’t mean I don’t look at girls…I too had few crushes…haahaahaa ;)
I was reading a novel brought by golu (ajitesh)…I don’t remember exactly what was it’s name ‘kiss in the rain’ or something lyk that by some ‘chakraborty’ from assam…sorry yaar m not insulting you dude…you have already given a bestseller …its just I have a weak memory. He had written many things about love and sex and I found few lines really interesting…I don’t remember them even now…sorry…fcuk… but idea behind telling you this was that I am too willing to try my hand on short stories or short descriptions…waise this is not the apt time as I am just few days behind my presemesters and I still have no books…neither 4m library nor my own…forget it….so I just wanted to tell you my next post will be a short story….don’t miss it….fcuk…I know , I know u are a busy person…I just write to ease myself 4m confusion…don’t lyk don’t read…
Okkkk now I am going to write about any random topic….jst 4 practice ;) okkkk any word rain ,train, cloud ,you ,me , lucknow , Allahabad, Kanpur…….lets take train….actually I am writing during day time so I am not able to concentrate that much…yet I’ll try……
TRAIN
Train…the word itself brings trains of memories, memories of happiness, sadness, meeting , departure, smiles , tears, hope, despair…. I still remember those nights in my summer vacations when I had to catch the ganga gomti train at 5:30 am in the morning for Allahabad to visit my nani and dadi’s place… my father used to tell everyone to sleep early so that they could rise early and be in time at charbagh station…but I just used to close my eyes and start imagining the journey and Allahabad, sangam, that bridge over ganga….and all…everytime I would think not not to sleep so that there was no tension to rise up…as rising early has always been my weakness and it continues till now…always late in the first class if attended lol. you must be knowing u can escape ur teacher’s stare sitting at the back seat, or a girl’s glimpse of you when you were gazing her intently but later pretending as nothing happened but dear you can’t escape sleep specially during 3 to 4 am time...
The two things have always been very special in my life-rain and train…. When I was a child and had to travel I would always imagine sitting on a window seat and clouds overhead raining heavily…I would just imagine roaring clouds over me and big drops of rain falling over the top of train n making a beautiful intermittent sound…awesome…as if nature has sent its best rock band to the earth …waise rain and train happened together just thrice for me…once when I was leaving Kanpur after leaving d hostel , second when I was visiting allahabad for the last time till date and third when I was visiting Ghaziabad for the first time…every moment was special and touching….fuck….
Train….it also helped me realize that I have become grown up now…earlier if I didn’t get the window seat the entire journey was mess for me…now I don’t give a damn thought about it…even sitting on suitcase beside the toilet with a waiting reservation ticket works…and neither leaving the initial place brings tears nor destination brings smile…jst neutral…hahahaha just wrote hahaha to deviate 4m this mood…sometimes it works…most of the times not…..didn’t understand..i did ;)
Train…whether I had been adventurous or sheer foolish I don’t know but I have few deadly ;) experiences with train too… both of the experiences during visit to Kanpur…till date its hell 4 me…Kanpur took everything out of me…my belief in me, my self confidence but gave me very good friends…really happy for that…thanx Kanpur ,I’ll be back at you bt this time it will be better parag with more strength…then I’ll do the same things which I did that one year…bt the difference would be no one will call me astray…I visited coachings as I had to give guest lecture once a week…n chemistry leave it… okkkkk so where was i….ofcourse in the hostel…once when I was travelling by the local train to visit Kanpur I had a lilltle brawl…whose cosequences may have been big…I was just sitting on the stairs at passage to the train…I usually used to catch the local…not because…hmmm not only because it was cheap bt also it was adventurous…not recommended for female passengers…bhai log are always lukin for chances ;) …. then at ajgain(station)a policeman arrived and told me to get inside…It was jam packed inside and I provided him the passage 2 gt inside…bt he refused and insisted me to shift inside…then bhai saab said bhdk andar chal… I am telling you friends sometimes I am not able to control myself…in the childhood it was a big problem…though I have controlled myself now to a great extent…in fact few think I wont say a word even when m slapped…no dear I was born on 2nd October bt my ideals are bhagat singh and ‘azad’….. bt it spurts out when I am pushed to the extreme…he said that word again n again…I replied to him madar….d gaali kaise di….yeah u guessed it right he pushed me 4m chest I punched him on shoulder…he pushed me out of the train rather running train…train had departed just few seconds ago bt it was electric train so had got a little speed…I rose up and started running towards d train…bt I thought for what…???? What I was going to do he was a policeman and that too in dress(I dunno bt hav heard this dialogue thousands of tym…tumne ek wardi wale police pe hath uthaya…fuck) I sat there for 1 hr under a tree till another local arrived….i am not going to tell u the second incident…its getting heavy…..byeeeeeeeeeee Kanpur I’ll fuck u as u fucked me…I’ll visit u again bt I’ll not b the same…and then I’ll visit those lanes….those roads…that hostel again…and that too with vodka n choti gold….hahahahaha….m a dreamer…..and dreams come true….
I was writing to ease myself but it has backfired….
Okkkkk I’ll write some stupid poem to end this stupid post…gimme da topic….girl,tree,barsat, book, EMEC…………ohhhhhhhhh m ending this m feeling sleepy…so need to watch a film ;)
Bye……..i dare u to visit second time…….

Special Diary Entry

Few days past i had seen a new feature buzz in gmail, there webpages entry was required in profile. I just put my blog address in that. I saw my last post appearing on that....so i am apprehensive that this might too surface there. Though blogger n buzz both r public forums bt writin on buzz means making people read u forcefully coz they automatically make u follower....
Okkk lets dump the feelings now, enough apology..yep from last few days since i returned 4m lko i ws feeling something was missing, bt i couldn't make it out. Just few hrs ago i ws getting ready 2 clear the area underneath my bed. Everybody was cheerful abt that coz it has jst bcum a mysterious place. Anything could b found in that debris...bt the first thing i found ws my diary and also it ws the last thing as i stopped there. Enough catch 4 a single day :-) . Slowly i realized it ws my diary which was a missing thing. Actually lot many things happened in lko this time which i needed to share. These were nt very conspicuous yet moving . I mean if i take a person and ask him to listen to me..he won't endure more than 4 a min coz those things would mean nothing to him. This visit to lko took me to the time when i ws 11 or 12. I met those friends this time with whom i played cricket in may, june with sun overhead and swirls of dust always around. I just can't think how we were able to do that. We just knew minimum and sufficient condition 4 cricket was a ball and a bat. This time seeing that park rather place coz a house has now been constructed there, it felt really sad. As if i lost someone very close. U shouldn't laugh yaar, sometimes u try to recollect the things by ur own and sometimes u are dragged to the lanes of memories by some incident. Later is very prounounced coz its involuntary. Haan yaar...wo park 2 taraf se gharo se aur baki 2 taraf se sadako se ghira tha. It had narrow drains too at its two sides towards road. I still remember if our ball used to go in those drains, we wouldn't blink a second b4 we took it out and throw it towards runner side to save a run. It ws as easy as takin out ball 4m pocket. Ofcourse cricket ball. Also just crossing the there was a small tea shop...say it gumti...gazab yaar saali puri film chalne lgi...u might b thinking road was interference 4 us bt actually bhai it ws just lyk extension to our park, coz dat road ws b/w two colonies and wasnt busy those days. We used to put a fielder jst infront of gumati. Ek bhut budhi si aunty thi us gumati me. I jst remember jab unke husband ki death hui thi(must hav been at 75-80). They used to live in a small house below a peepal tree..also they had a well in their house...shit how many balls that well engulfed. Haan to jab he died we were whispering yaar galat hua, phir koi puchta hai ab to gumati hat jaaegi naa yaar....
Par wo nahi hati, shayad logo k liye cricket se bhi zyada zaruri ko cheeze hoti hai...par hame to nhi lagta tha...us time..Khair we always had a fielder there and also strict rules. Didn't matter how many bounces , even if rebounced 4m boundary u were given out if ur ball touched dat gumati. And the punishment of fielder ws to go near to that gumati to take d ball and hear some soothing words...and if it directly bounced in her gumati hittin some packets of bread n all...then obvious remedy ws to run in opposite direction as fast as u can. I was searching that gumati too. Didn't found, i ws askin abt that lady too. Didn't got the information...saali gumati hat gai, hum bhi hat gae...
Just adjacent to dat park ws a mysterious house..saala murge wala ghar...murga tha ya murgi pta to nahi chala par tha khatarnak. At that time it was a modest house, bt giving a haunted look as there used to live a lady or few other i don't remember clearly yaar. Par kahani ye thi ki jahan hamari ball jaati thi wahan ek murga pala hua tha. Murgi rahi hogi coz she had a plant in 'gamla' jiski har tehni k end me egg ka shell latka rehta tha..saala 16 saal tak to yhi sochta rha ki kaun se ped se ande nikalte hain..yep that murga ,bhai what to tell it was terrorist bastard. We also had a house just opposite to batting end which had a dog...snow...par yaar murge k saamne wo anda tha bhodi. I remember once when i was sitting on the wall of murge wala ghar with my one leg hanging inside that house that murga just jumped and almost clutched to my feet. I survived with few bruises lolzz no really bhai u should hav seen that murga. Saala aawaz nikalte hue daudate hue aata tha jaise gaaliyan dete hue aa rha ho. There were many interesting characters in our group. I am not going into that. Bt this time meeting those people just dragged me off my feet to a known forgotten world...this tym i was seeing everything in lko with reference to that time...it all looked a new world.we had our fav place bada talab where there were small plants..kehte the ye paudhe bade ho jaaenge to bhut maza aaegi...hahaha kya pta the ped k saath hum bhi bade ho jaaenge..5000charcan't write more 4 mob